Why are you Gay?

Mom Lover in Maryland, Well, we are gay for the same reason you are...because we love Cher and can't get enough Abercrombie. Come join us, we can all go out together, get a couple Cosmopolitans and see what happens. Once you go AskDrewNow.com you never go back.

Hey guys! Its me again. I've decided that the tall man in the videos no longer looks like a tall Elvis. Now I think he looks just like a tall Roger Federer, but with a less floppy hair-doo. Can you please shoot some erotic videos of Tall Federer slapping some hard backhands? That would make me go deuce. Game, Set, Match you guys!

All Shook Up in San Francisco, Hey, it's good to hear from you again! I think that erotic videos of the "tall man" would be a great idea. I will visit the zoo soon and see if I can find a willing giraffe to be his partner for the videos. That long black tongue would look great in HD...and I'm sure the giraffe's tongue will look great too.

Are you bored?

Luis in Laredo, At the moment, yes, your question bores me. But that's ok, we love all of our fans, even those with such thought provoking and complex questions as yours. They say only boring people are bored...if that is the case then we must all be extremely bored.

Can I be your first stalker because I think I know where you live and what car you drive. P.S. You are way cute.

Donnie Darko in Delaware, Yes, your request is granted to become our first official stalker. And it appears you have done your homework, kudos to you. If you see me walking down the street sometime, stop me and I can give you an autograph, I will make sure my bodyguard doesn't mace you in the eyes first. It's always good to know there is someone out there "watching" over me. And thank you for the compliment, I have been telling people that for years and it's good to find out that someone else finally agrees.

Do you like rim jobs?

Butt Man in Bluffton, I think the bigger question here is...do YOU like rim jobs? A person should never, EVER, go ass to mouth. With that being said, sure, I will try anything six or seven times.

Why the f*ck do people ask you for advice?

Bob LeDouche in Alexandria, The reason people ask me for advice is because my only mission in life is to help them. And I am great. See...even this answer is great. It's ok to love me, join the thousands that have come before you.

Dear Drew,
How do you turn a straight person gay?

In Love with a Hetero in Hampton, If your hetero lover is a male, I only have two words...Celine Dion....and lots of it. Just have your soon-to-be lover listen to 20 minutes of Celine Dion three times a week and in no time he will be driving a convertible and letting you play hide the sausage whenever you like. However, if your hetero lover is a female, I only have one word...rugby. Just two rugby games per week and before you know it she will be wearing flannel and steaming the carpet on command.

Dear Drew,
I am a homosexual... and I had aids at one point in my life, but I got rid of them. However, I recently cheated on my boyfriend, and got aids again. How do I tell my boyfriend?

Gay in Grafton, This is a very difficult situation you have found yourself in. However, I know of a product that can help you with your problem. We have developed the first ever "Bad News Condom." We have learned that the best way to deliver bad news is wrapped around your most persuasive organ. Any sad or terrifying news can be delivered this way and the recipient will still feel like it's Christmas morning. Keep an eye out for this exciting new product in an upcoming AskDrewNow.com video...coming soon to a free clinic near you.

I think that you are the smartest person alive, and I was hoping you could answer this question for me? How do you make a baby? I've seen a lot of people with babies and I think it would be nice to have my own. I heard that little girls were made of sugar and spice and everything nice while boys were made up of snips and snails and puppy dog tails. Do you know the exact recipe?

Wannabe Dad in Dothan, First off, thank you for the compliment. I enjoy being the smartest person alive. As far as how babies are made, we have a very informative video we are working on right now that will explain everything you need to know about the entire "baby making" process. Keep an eye out for it! And just to give you a taste, figuratively and literally, the secret ingredient is heaven juice. Mmmmm....tastes like angels.

Who is better, pirates or ninjas?

Sally Lover in Shingletown, This question seems to come up a lot, lucky for you I have actually been both a pirate and a ninja in the past. While being a ninja is fun, it can not compare to the life a pirate leads. Shark fights, sword fights, full blown scurvy, and the hot steamy man-love on the high seas is impossible to top...or bottom, depending on how you like your man-love. Yo man ho, yo man ho, a pirate's life for me.

When is Melvin Dizzle coming to Northeast Pennsylvania? We would love to see him in concert in one of our many local trailer parks.

Rap Enthusiast in Da WB Ghetto, Melvin Dizzle is currently gearing up for his first official world tour. Once he recovers from the fourteen bullet wounds he suffered at his last concert he will be back on the road and coming to a meth lab near you. Just please take caution when attending any of his concerts, we have had over a dozen un-planned pregnancies and at least 6 cases of hepatitis find their start at his shows. And make sure you are up to date on your tetanus shot as well...let's just say it is better to be safe than diseased.

I work about 15 hours per week and make around $90,000 per year. How much money am I earning per hour and is that good for my field.

Manager in Manhattan, While it may seem like you are doing quite well for the time you put in to your job, we don't exactly consider crystal meth dealers to have "jobs." Don't mistake our position, no matter what you do you should always be the best, and it sounds like you might be one of the top 230 meth dealers in Manhattan. But the key to your "profession" is longevity, and with the number of meth dealers out there right now we just aren't sure if you are doing well or just getting by. Send us a sample of your product and we will be able to give you a much better answer.

I'm a young lady who is in love with an old man, I was wondering if you knew of a way to get the "turtle out of its shell."

Can't Get the Hokey Without the Pokey, Elderly people can be difficult to arouse, but I know of some tricks to get your ancient man ready for business. First, elderly men love to yell at the radio and shake their fist at the newspaper. Just give him a copy of the New York Times and turn on some talk radio, it will get his blood flowing like a stab wound to the artery. And to add a touch of seduction to the moment, make sure to have a couple cups of tapioca pudding handy. Don't try anything fancy with the pudding, remember that your lover needs to gum his food, the pudding is just to keep him content until the deed is done. Follow these handy tricks and you should be burying that turtle in no time.

Dear Drew,
I'm 22 Years old and was just informed by ICE (The US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement) that I'm in fact, not a US Citizen. Apparently my parents moved me here when I was 4 years old and I had no idea. I have 30 days before my court date. What should I do?

Illegal in Texas, The only option you have is to find a nice American guy to marry to make sure they can't deport you. And lucky for you, AskDrewNow.com's very own camera man Sally is single and ready for some loving. Yes, he is a man who is named Sally, but don't let that fool you. He is 100% hard core American male. And it doesn't even matter to Sally if you are a male or female, he can accomodate to whatever need you have. So give us a call or drop us a line and we will set up a meet-and-greet. Not only do we love to entertain you, but we also love to help our fans gain citizenship to this country. Try to find any other website that offers you all of that...we are one of a kind.

How old am I?

Ageless in Akron, Based on the demographics we have seen with our site, I think 57 would be a safe bet. Don't worry, pudding time at the bingo hall will be here in no time.

A little bit of blood rushes into my penis whenever I hear the country hit "Nooner." I'm not gay am I?

Nooner Lover in Nashville, Yes, you are absolutely gay. My advice is to embrace it...buy yourself a convertible, start working out at the gym no less than 8 hours a day, and learn to dance with your arms above your head. But hey, every time you watch our "Nooner" video you are simply getting free porn. Bonus!

What's the best kind of food to eat when you're drunk-hungry at 2am?

Drunk Driver in Delaware, Two words...Taco Bell. However, if you are not near a Taco Bell the next best thing is any other type of food made from the lowest quality ingredients allowed by law. Hot dogs, Slim Jims, or anything made by Frito Lay. Not only will these foods satisfy your drunk-hunger, but they will also get you one step closer to heart disease. Enjoy!

Back in York College I stole a Jesus fish off a Pontiac Firebird Convertible because it angered me. Should I repent and give the Jesus fish back or should I continue using it as a pleasure device? I've asked Jesus myself but he hath no answers.

Nun in Nebraska, While I am proud of your exploits and enjoy your story, I must say that I am slightly alarmed. I recently read an article about "Jesusfishitis" and it seems that you may be suffering from this disease. Interestingly, this disease also has the word "sh*t" in it which does accurately explain York College. However, I don't think you have anything to worry about as your symptoms suggest you have a very mild case. So keep up the good work out there, Darwin is counting on you.

The quotation on your website says "Where good people go for great advice." Where do bad people go for great advice. Or even yet, where do good people go for bad advice...besides those looking for answers in the Bible?

Seepy Nip in Nardville, This is a very interesting question. I believe that, even though they aren't included in our motto (nothing, what's the motto with you) that bad people would still visit this site for great advice. In fact we would love to see more bad people showing up on our site for some great advice. Now as far as good people seeking bad advice...or even bad people seeking bad advice, I would direct those people to places like Dear Abbey, Dr. Laura, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly or any other egotistical selfish blowhard that happens to have a public forum to spread their message of intolerance. Wow...that felt good. Almost as good as all of the great advice that people can get here!

When will I get rich?

Greedy in Gainesville, I hate to break it to you, but according to my calculations you will never be rich. In fact, I think you owe me money. So as of right now, you are un-rich, the anti rich, without richness. But that's ok, I will accept monthly payments. Plus, paying me will make you spiritually rich, and that is more important than any amount of money (except for the money you should pay me.) Let's just call it your "Drew Tithe." Get your check book out...you don't want Smelvis coming after you with a wiffle bat.